issues

Please Don’t…

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I have been on the receiving end of the dirty looks knowing what they are thinking. I have heard the not so soft whispers of, “She doesn’t need a wheelchair. Look at her, she’s perfectly fine. She just doesn’t want to stand in line.” or “She’s totally faking it and just wants to board first. She looks perfectly fine.”

Yes, it’s true. I LOOK perfectly fine. I look like your typical healthy, vibrant, full of life 38 year old. And the truth is, I AM ALL OF THAT PLUS some…plus a brain tumor (and now possibly two) with a minimum of 14 symptoms I struggle with daily. From the outside I look “fine” but the inside is a very different story.

One of my symptoms is leg pain. Extreme leg pain. Somedays it’s difficult to walk. Standing for long periods of time most days is pretty much impossible without bursting into tears. So, unfortunately, with the long lines in customs, security, check in, boarding etc… during traveling, I often need a wheelchair. The days I don’t need one, I don’t take one. Walking is not a problem but the physical act of standing typically is. Not to mention that stress adds to it and I find traveling adds more stress so therefor, typically, my symptoms enhance and more medicine is needed.

Imagine being in my shoes. 38 and needing a wheelchair at times. It’s humiliating and hard to feel like an adequate wife and mom when it’s needed. It’s embarrassing enough without all of the looks and thoughts and words. Words that enter my ears and pierce my heart forever haunting my thoughts.

When you see someone who ‘needs’ a wheelchair, like a broken leg or foot, elderly, etc… those same thoughts and words are not expressed and many do what they can to assist. But when the person doesn’t ‘look’ like they need one I find people tend to go out of their way to NOT assist. I ask this: “PLEASE DON”T judge! The next time you see someone in a wheelchair and they don’t ‘look’ like they need one, understand that what they have going on is probably very severe. They probably are battling something you could never dream of and pray to never get. That the person who doesn’t ‘look’ like they need a wheelchair, probably needs it most.”

As a person who needs one from time to time, I assure you it’s not because of laziness. It eats a little at the core of my strength. It’s a sad reality and reminder of how strong I’m NOT anymore. It’s the wake-up that I am sick. It’s a reminder that many of dreams of growing old and healthy are going to be much harder to achieve and I pray for miracles daily.

The last thing I ask is: “PLEASE DON”T get mad at the person in the wheelchair when the porter decides to cut you in line. I assure you it’s not the person in the wheelchair who asks them to do so. Understand that they have a job and need to get back to another plane to help someone else who needs a little help.”

I, along with most others, would love to be able to stand in those tedious long lines with you. I would love to be able to hold my husbands hand, spending those few moments in time just being there with him and talking instead of holding the side of the wheelchair trying to mentally explain everyone’s doubts away. I would love to make casual conversation with the people in front of me or behind me instead of trying to avoid eye contact with everyone who thinks’I’m budding in line.’

The next time you see someone in a wheelchair and you don’t think they need one, try to be extra helpful. Smile at them. I assure you that most of the time, that person needs your smile. They need your prayers. They need your help. They need your assurance. They need your understanding. If you can’t see the reason, the reason is usually bigger and worse than you could possibly imagine.

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Is Love Enough???

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As I approach my ten-year wedding anniversary and as I help so many people with marital problems today (it seems as though 80% of married couples I know are having “issues”) I am forced to look at what it takes to make a marriage really work. I have been with my husband now for almost 18 years in total and our relationship has certainly not been without problems. We have certainly had our fair share of personal issues, which one day I will write about, but today we are still very much in love. I have had many people ask me if my husband has a brother, or they say things like “MY husband does not love me the way yours loves you.” Although I feel extremely lucky and honored to have the husband I do have, I am always reminded that the grass can look greener on the other side until you get there. I simply mean this in the way of “we are not perfect.” I do believe I am lucky. I do believe I have the best husband in the world and I do believe there is no one out there who could ever treat me the way he does, or vise-a-versa…..however, this is a feeling we should ALL FEEL EVERY DAY! If you don’t, then let’s get you there. So many people settle. The most dangerous things to ever feel in a relationship is boredom and complacency. When you get to the point where marriage is a routine, you’re in trouble. But you can change it. It is ok to set date nights, to give each other lists of what you need and want on a daily basis (eventually those lists are not needed as they become a new habit and a thing the other wants to do simply because they want to make you happy.)

The first thing you need to do is think about and write why you fell in love with them in the first place. What was it that gave you those butterfly feelings? What is it that made you think about them so much that when you were not together that working was almost impossible? What is it they did that made you smile so big and so long your cheeks hurt? You need to remember what gave you that deep down giddy feeling of complete bliss and hang on to those feelings. Rekindle based on those things. Build off of those things. Bring your relationship back to the point where your spouse is the first person you think about when you wake up in the morning and the one you can not sleep without before going to bed. Do whatever it takes and don’t be afraid or embarrassed to say what it is that you need.

I believe there are some rules that all relationships should have. For each couple it differs but I say these are the three most important for everyone:

1) Never go to bed angry. No matter what, talk about it and go to bed holding and loving each other.

2) Never go to bed without one another (unless it is impossible to do so like one is at work, etc..) Even on days where one of you are sick, go to bed to hold them and watch TV from bed while the other sleeps. Whatever it is, go to bed together.

3) No matter what you do, say, think or feel, always do it with the other in mind. Ask yourself this, “How would I feel if my spouse was doing (or feeling, or thinking or saying) this?” If the answer is anything less than completely loved and elated then you shouldn’t be doing it.

I believe LOVE IS ENOUGH! It doesn’t matter the challenge. I have seen relationships of abuse, survive. I have seen relationships of affairs, survive. I believe that as long as a person is TRULY wanting and working on changing and CHANGES then as long as you love them it can work. I am not saying it is easy. I am not saying it is quick. But I truly believe it is worth it. Imagine going from a relationship that no one would ever want and you were afraid or embarrassed to be apart of to a fairy tale relationship that everyone envies. Fairy Tales Do Come True! Fighting for what you need, want and deserve is not only achievable but you are deserving and worth it so don’t give up! Ever!

More on marriage in the future….save what you have now! Find your Hero Within together and have a marriage you deserve!

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